Our newsletter this month is about death of a loved one. Death is universal. It takes from all of us and leaves gouges behind. The grief that follows loss is unavoidable. We are all familiar with the process. Grief in stages that we all go through in our own time and order. What does not have to be part of that process though, is guilt.
Grief is Hard
Some people, mostly ones from my past, already know that Charley is my second true love. This month marks the anniversary of my first true love’s death. It is the month that I study a favorite photo of him to reminisce. He was tough as old boots, opinionated and fearless. But devastatingly charming. I melted when he grinned, even when I should be angry with him. Good looking too. Swoon-worthy, in fact. He was black. And white. He loved horses, hiking, swimming and playing ball; a real active outdoorsy type. He was damn near perfect, aside from being unemployed and selfish in bed. Each night, he’d nudge my shoulder. I knew what that meant. Time to pull back the covers and let that pushy, hairy beast curl up against my stomach. Always the little spoon. How I loved that dog.
How to Help Your Dog Die and Be At Peace: Plan for When, Where and How
Tuxedo has been gone sixteen years as of this July. Hard to believe. Also, this month, our dog Honor was diagnosed with throat cancer. Honor’s diagnosis, along with this being the anniversary of Tuxedo’s death, has me making end-of-life plans for yet another much-loved dog. When, where and how to help a dog die is so important that we want to get it right. Not determining the how, when and where while you still have time often results in regret; and grief is heavy enough without being bundled in regret.
Avoidance, Sadness, Fear of Death is Wrong for Dogs
Times were different when Tuxedo died sixteen years ago. Death was different for dogs and people alike. Dogs could either: 1. Die at home and in pain or 2. Die pain-free, but in a sterile clinical environment. People felt helpless in the face of such unappealing choices.
For dog lovers, this kind of death for their dog was full of angst and regret. Dogs do not understand the concept of not being, thus they do not fear death the way that we do. Dogs do pick up on our sadness and tears though. I wanted better for Tuxedo than these limited options because you shouldn’t have to worry about your humans when your body is failing you. We all want better for our dogs, don’t we? Let’s talk about how we are able to make a better death happen for our dogs today.
Death is Unavoidable. Guilt is Not
I understood that my stress and sadness over losing Tuxedo would negatively impact his last days, so I landscaped our path to the rainbow bridge with three deliberate steps:
- Experience fun new things with your dog,
- Practice gratitude in his presence, and
- Cry somewhere else (away from your dog).
By ordering our steps in this way, Charley and I created a happier, more pleasant end-of-life experience for Tuxedo. I grieved over the loss of my dog, just as I had for other pets, but I did not feel regret or guilt as I had before. I was confident that I had made the right decision, in the right time, to end his physical pain. Something else happened when Tuxedo crossed over, something I did not expect. The folks who witnessed that last goodbye between my dog and me were affected in a way that made them look at death differently too.
Celebrate Life WITH Your Dog
This past decade or so, we have largely replaced the black-clad somber funerals of the past with celebrations of life. Today’s ceremonies highlight funny and heart-warming stories. We still talk about how important the deceased person was to us; his roles, his kind deeds or accomplishments. The goal of a life celebration is to make those of us left behind feel better; to evoke fond memories and ultimately to make us smile. Why not plan the same for your dog? Only why wait until after your dog has graduated? Why not celebrate your dog’s life WITH your dog?
At our age, we’ve had to say goodbye to some pretty amazing dogs. So, we have learned to reframe our loss to be about the dog’s graduation. A graduate is someone who has become an expert in their field of study. It is an accomplishment. Dogs are experts in filling our hearts. No one does unconditional love better than a dog.
Death is a Graduation; Graduations Deserve Celebration
So, while planning for our last days with Honor, we have defined what quality-of-life looks like for her. We are taking the same approach as we did with Tuxedo in that we are planning new experiences, practicing gratitude and crying privately. Additionally, we have worked with her vet to tweak her medication and although we don’t know when, exactly, we have planned for how and where. In the meantime, we have asked loved ones for fun ideas for Honor.
So far, we are enjoying mornings on a blanket in the grass. We have waded through a splash pad sent to Honor from Tia Lilly and had a picnic. Honor has tasted lots of human food that I would never give a young, healthy dog – foods like steak, cheese crackers and pizza crust. She’s also enjoyed watermelon, banana, pineapple, blueberries, cucumber, scrambled eggs and ice cream. Next on our list is liverwurst and we’ll take a car ride with the windows rolled down and sunroof open (yes, there will be singing).
Smile! Your Dog Will Feel Better
Celebrations equal fun. Fun segues to smiles and smiling is healthy. The muscles in your face that are responsible for producing a smile send a message that your face is happy to the amygdala (the area of your brain that’s responsible for emotions). The amygdala responds accordingly by releasing feel-good hormones. According to neurologist, Dr. Isha Gupta, even a fake smile can increase levels of dopamine and serotonin hormones, causing you to feel more positive. Smile! You and your dog will feel better.
Is Your Smile Fake? Or is it Contagious?
Let’s combine the health benefits of a good smile for the smiler with what we know about dogs. Multiple studies over the past 10 years have proven what us dog-lovers already know. Dogs understand a lot. They have mastered more than just listening to and snuggling with us. Dogs are empathic. The scientific term is “emotional contagion” and dogs catch it. From other dogs and from their owners. They recognize emotion in our faces and in our voices. Which means we can’t fake it; we actually have to FEEL happy if we want our dogs to be happy. One study that measured heart rates and cortisol levels of dogs and their owners showed that when we cry, our dog’s cortisol levels go up too, along with ours.
Thich Nhat Hanh, monk and peace activist, once said, “Your joy can be the source of your smile. But sometimes, your smile can be the source of your joy.”
Space for Grief and Happiness
I recently finished a course offered through HarvardX, called Managing Happiness, and one of the things I learned from the online course is that happiness and unhappiness are not two sides of the same coin. Actually, they’re not even processed in the same area of the brain, which means that how much happiness and unhappiness a person experiences at any given season of life are not relative. Allowing yourself to feel happiness, even amidst death, will not negate your unhappiness. Likewise, removing whatever makes you unhappy does not, in itself, make you happy. This means that feeling guilty for feeling happy does not make sense, and it won’t make you a better person. While guilt is commonly associated with grief, guilt is NOT required for you to grieve. Make space for grief and for happiness.
What Makes You Unhappy?
Some theorists believe the biggest enemy of happiness is fear. Fear of failing, or making the wrong decision, fear of being or causing hurt; and fear of the ultimate hurt: DEATH can paralyze us into inaction. Even in its less toxic form, fear can keep us from doing or acknowledging something that could potentially land us on the path we most desire. Do not let your fear keep you from mortality planning.
How Do You Overcome Fear of Death?
Drown it in love! Then flush it with mortality planning. That’s what we do here at Wynley Park, anyway. Without getting too scientific (because I’m not very good at science), lets suffice it to say that the feelings we know as love and fear originate in two different areas of the brain. They both become conscious when they reach the pre-frontal cortex (scientific term alert) where the presence of one can crowd out the other. I encourage you to crowd out fear with love.
Not only is it sound advice from a scientific viewpoint, it is God-directed. “Fear” is named over 500 times in the Bible. Over and over, we are told not to be afraid. When we stay rooted in reverence of God, fear’s power over us diminishes. When Saint Irenaeus said “the glory of God is a person fully alive”, he meant that a person flourishes when he chooses to live in a way that crowds out fear. Even if you don’t believe in God yet, you might agree that the way to put (and keep) fear in its place is by consciously acting with love. Turns out, YOU ACTUALLY CAN BEAT DEATH, not by avoiding it, but BY CELEBRATING LIFE.
Can You Manifest Happiness? Yes!
Don’t we all wonder this at times? Humans are complicated. Dogs, though, are not. A dog needs exercise, clear boundaries, and food to survive. But to thrive, he needs a happy human who delights in him. Similar to how God delights in us. There dogs go again, reminding me of God.
Humans, on the other hand, tend to think of “being happy” as an adjective when it’s really more like an action verb. True soul-deep happiness is pliable and scientifically measurable. This means you can actually grow happiness with intent. This is good news for your dog too because it means that with some planning, a positive attitude and appropriate medication, you have the power to make his last days on earth some of his happiest days.
How do You Cope with Death? Make Their Last Days Happy Days
Plan to celebrate your dog while he’s still with you! Document your dog doing something special. Create memory-worthy moments for the two of you. Invite loved ones to join in. Define what quality-of-life means to you in ways that can be seen.
Recognize when your dog is no longer satisfied with his life. Say your goodbyes in the coziness of your own home or in a park-like setting if your dog has loved the outdoors like Honor and Tuxedo have. Say more than just goodbye. Tell her how wonderful she is. Was she an amazing athlete? A bed hog? A popcorn thief? Remind her of how she’s made you laugh. Try letting gratitude wash over you as you remember and give voice to all the ways this dog has enriched your life. If you are able to do this, you and your dog will both benefit.
Your Dog is Amazing. Life is Amazing. Celebrate Both.
Honor is amazing. Dogs are amazing. Maybe it’s because they’ve been living with us for 30,000 years or maybe just because God has designed them to be so in tune with us.
Our Honor is nearing graduation, and as sad as the goodbye will be, we choose to live in gratitude. The sad will come after. For now, we’ll keep on trying out bucket list suggestions as long as Honor is up for trying them. We hope you’ll think about doing the same with yours. Make sure you and your dog are living life to the fullest! Celebrate a life well-lived. Because graduations are inevitable for us animal-lovers.
Call to Action, Will You Accept?
I have a request for you if you are located in the Austin area. Please consider giving an hour of your time to Simple Sparrow Farm. Simple Sparrow Farm is a small care farm that invites people to participate in farm-related activities to learn about homesteading and animal-assisted therapy. We have long suspected that being in the presence of animals and nature is good for you. Simple Sparrow is conducting an experiment to measure participants’ cortisol levels before and after animal interaction. Volunteers receive a private farm tour in exchange for participating in the study. Contact Simple Sparrow for more information.
References
Learn about emotional contagion in dogs – https://www.science.org/content/article/dogs-can-read-human-emotions
Contribute an hour to a good cause – https://www.simplesparrow.farm/
7 “But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
8 or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you.
9 Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?
10 In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. – Job 12:7-10